Today is my grandmothers viewing and tomorrow is her funeral. I have not seen her since 2002, and am not going to the funeral. I have very mixed emotions on this subject. Yes, she was my grandmother and I do love her, and am extremely sad. Where I struggle is the fact that my fathers entire side of the family chose to loose contact with my sister and I. See my father is a literal crack head, and historically every time he is given a choice he has chosen the drugs.
My dad wasn't always a crackhead, as I presume happens sometimes. For the first 17 years of my life he was relativley normal, other than being a wonanizing bastard. Then one day he tried Crack, or how ever it happned, and our lives have never been the same. He lost every penny my mom worked for her entire life, and dissappeared on binges at least once a month.
Fill in the blanks and you will see why I have not been home in so long. Part of me wants to go and get it over with, but I honestly don't know that I can deal with it. My earliest memory is despise for the state of Alabama and wanting to leave. I know that's bizzare, and I can't really explain it but it's true. All I wanted was to grow up and move away. I wanted to be as different from my family as possible. Sometimes I still do, though not all of them.....
The ramblings of a 30 something trying to find my place in this world.
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